This week has been tough, and there are lots of thoughts & feelings floating around my mind after I discovered that my husband was having an affair on Sunday.
Although I was angry at the immediate time, as the dust settles I have come to realise that I'm not angry now. I do feel sad, disappointed, stressed but not angry.
The reason I don't feel angry is that I know my husband is a broken man... Something happened to him a few years ago, and since then, he has gone into self destruct mode.
I married him because he was handsome, charming, funny and we just clicked. I haven't forgotten that, and I still care for him. It is important that he doesn't spiral any more and gets his shit together for the sake of our kids if nothing else.
Since my husband got diagnosed with depression, everything just seems to have fallen apart. I do think he has major issues, and he agrees, from his upbringing, and his messed up relationship with his parents. Since I have known him, he has always tried to please them and make them proud, but this never seems to have happened. His siblings on the other hand can do no wrong, and believe me, they frequently do! Everything for them is about money, and material things, and love seems to come at the bottom of the list.
This constant source of rejection, I am sure is the root of his problems and has led to him feeling like a failure, even though he's not. He is very damaged by this experience, which just makes me very sad.
His depression has been hard on him, and obviously it has led to him making some poor choices over the last few years. Before he got diagnosed, we had a happy loving marriage, and I saw myself growing old with him. Since 'The Black Dog' arrived, it took away the man I knew and replaced him with a stranger.
For that reason, I am not angry with him. This doesn't mean I am going to take him back, as I have spent too long trying to fix him, and the onus is now on him to fix himself. I just hope he does, for his and our children's sake.